At home in Devon, my head was counselling caution — how on earth would Oli react if he knew his best friend was consuming every waking moment of my thoughts? Five days later, I was having a drink with friends in our local pub when Theo walked in. He lived nearby and occasionally drank there too — and I confess I was delighted to see him. That night, over a drink, we spoke about our attraction to each for the first time — and both confessed that we wanted to take our flirtation further. Neither of us knew which way to jump.
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However, a few days later we were forced to make a choice. Theo turned up unexpectedly at my house one night when Oli was out, and somehow we ended up in bed together. It all seemed to happen so naturally, it was only in the morning that reality intruded. Oli had to know. We were walking together on the moors next day when I said to Oli: As the months passed, and my relationship with Theo developed, he swung from acceptance to anger. Theo and I, meanwhile, were paralysed by worry. Should we be platonic friends or lovers?
The indecision made me really ill. Actually I think it was my mum — who was then 85 — who put everything in perspective for Oli. I think Oli saw the truth of this; he began to be much calmer and more accepting after the conversation with his gran. My friends, meanwhile, thought I was in the grip of mid-life madness.
Ask the counselor: My friend is dating my mum
My energy matches — or even surpasses — his. And I only need to see the way he looks at me to know how much he loves me. The realisation dawned on me by degrees. Oli and I had been friends for six years when I first noticed Indie. My early encounters with her in the Pyrenees were just innocent fun. It was only when we got back to Totnes that I began to realise there was potential for a serious relationship. And, every time he was upset, I felt terribly guilty.
I think Oli feared his mum would get hurt.
Ask the counselor: My friend is dating my mum | The New Times | Rwanda
In more than a quarter of marriages in Britain the woman is the older partner. My friends have also been very mature. Our physical relationship is wonderful; she has the body of a year-old. And we never run out of things to say to each other. Now she and my step-dad, and my dad and his partner, all think Indie is the best daughter-in-law they could wish for. After the initial rocky year, Oli and I are best mates again. The three of them now all enjoy spending time together. Perhaps, selfishly, I was jealous. I worried that, as Mum and Theo grew closer, I was becoming marginalised, excluded by their love for each other.
As a result, for a time, relations between all of us broke down.
Six months into the relationship, I was was still so angry I was barely speaking to mum — and I used to speak to her almost every day. Theo and mum came to see me and it was there that everything came to a head. It was a defining moment. My father died when I was still in school. Yes, I would like to see her happy again, but not with a man 20 years her junior, and certainly not my friend! This is so embarrassing and I wish she would snap out of it. How can I make them see sense? Such action is even against the principles of natural justice which emanate from the moral standards of uprightness that an individual is expected to exhibit in any social setting by virtue of being human.
You must be undergoing a tough situation I guess. The chance, however, is that you have been made aware of this mess earlier enough so before the humiliation sinks deeper, you had better step out of this relationship and let go of both of them. You are lucky that his true character has been manifested at the right time because, God forbid, if you had also started a relationship with him, it would be a disaster. It is important that you sit down with the boy and frankly express your feelings about his union with your mum while clearly explaining the reasons why you have to quit the friendship.
Respect your mother as your only parent and appreciate her efforts to produce and bring you up but, also, approach her and highlight the likely imminent risks that her relationship with your friend is likely to yield. Your focus should be on the open doors ahead of you rather than the dark closed misleading door.
For a man his age to love a woman at 50 and is ready to court her, he is really into her. He wants to be with your mother. Give it time and wait and see how it goes. Maybe this is her time to be happy and she will find love again. Why are you worrying so much about your mother?
She is older and more mature and knows exactly what she wants. Let her be and care more about yourself. Maybe you need to stop judging her and find a partner as well. Your mother is with a person she loves and does not care what people think about her. What is the point of pleasing people when you are not happy? Your mother is too old to handle heartbreaks so protect her.
That man will definitely leave her soon for some younger lady after he has got all he needs from her. Men will always be men.
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